She is on my mind.
This woman simply won’t allow me to break through her resistance. No matter how hard I try, my words have failed. Coming across pathetic, I’m unable to get her attention. If only she took risk.
Damn…I want to ride the bike again with Jojo. Time with her was brief yet simple, not a care in the world… just the wind in our face and roads leading nowhere. We were just alone yet together, how I want the bike and Jojo again.
Blue skies ocean’s side sharing unforeseen.
Led on journeys afar… not ready to stop.
Didn’t believe, moved on now forgotten…searching for a sign.
Harley ride, warm Florida nights, wind in our face, silent smiles.
Blue jeans, black shirt, tanned skin, arms wrapped around pressed close.
Dark skies, stars shine white moon on high, Spectre flies by.
Bright white head light, pine trees rise in the distant.
Panhandle asphalt, parallel ocean flowed deeper into night.
Warrior life no longer a threat, more at ease I became.
Becoming closer wanting our time to be true, we’ve fallen… too far behind.
How else do I say this?
Give me the fucking woman!
She is all I ask for. Nothing else, no other demands. Not just any woman, but that woman. Her. The fucking girl who did it all to me. I’m after who she is, what she means and what she gave me. This woman wounded me nearly compromising my manhood where I beg for more of her. What does a good man have to do to get a good woman? For God’s sake, I’m a man. Patient. Resilient. Focused. Driven. Frustrated left clueless, I’m a fucking man without the fucking woman. Simple as that. Give up the resistance and come to me, life will change for the good forever. She is all I ask for.
1st collector for Linkin Park: When They Come For Me
“Yeah, I’m not a pattern to be followed, the pill I’m on is a tough one to swallow. I’m not a criminal not a role model, not a born leader I’m a tough act to follow. I am not a fortune of fame or the same person telling you to forfeit the game. I came in the ring like a dog on a chain and found out the underbelly is sicker then it seems. And it seems ugly but it can get worse. There’s even a blueprint, it’s a gift and a curse. Once you got a theory of how the thing works, everybody wants the next thing to be just like the first. And I’m not a robot I’m not a monkey I will not dance even if the beat is funky. Opposite of lazy, far from a punk, not the type to quit. Ya all better start talkin try to catch up mother fuckers!” Linkin Park, 2010
Beauty is the quality present in a thing or person giving intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern. Beauty’s definition can apply to art or most associated with a woman even life. What is beautiful to one person is not to the other.
The sweet smell of her perfume. Her neckline leading to her shoulders, her profile or the way she carries herself. Her femininity. Her eyes, their color, shape. How she cares for the details watching her carefully address her eye lashes and brows. How she takes forever to apply her make up every morning. The way she bends her hands at her wrist. When she admires her own jewelry, a purse, hat or the most favorite to women of all ages, their shoes. Her laughter when it may not have been funny. Her love of gossip, the taste of a dessert, skinny jeans and short shorts to surprise flowers making her friends jealous. Two hour hair cuts. Failure to understand or her love of sports. How she loves romantic films, a love story, song or dramatic TV even plays at the local theater. Wearing glasses from time to time. to her spring dress and how her long legs look amazing every time.
Her character and the rare things that upset her. How success motivate her efforts. School work, house work, on the job, in the yard even rubbing elbows with the best. Her love of Ford Mustangs and motorcycles. How she dresses for our rides on the Harley. Her courage for learning how to ride the Harley and her radiating spirit of freedom. Steadfast strength in times of adversity, yet her vulnerability. Love of family and adoration of friends. Her ankles and painted toes. The color and vitality of her skin. What she hides to later be discovered unexpectedly. The ring I want on her finger. Long phone calls, texts, blood-red painted finger nails, lipstick and a glass of wine. Her secret love and obsession for chocolate. How she brushes her hair back over her ears whether to catch my attention or to see what is in front of her. How she holds a baby on her hip just right yet manages life all around her. Despite a million responsibilities, she still manages to paint the walls in renovation of the house. Her firmness and strength defending the family.
Her taste of food and amazing ability to make anything you can imagine. Or how she makes the simplest food seem like gourmet. A night on the town, a restaurant, or together at home on the couch. Her ability to speak the language and listen to adolescents and the smallest child to the baby. The mother in her. Loyalty, patience and endurance. Her tears when she silently wants to cry. The lover in her and making love as good as the first time. Her patience, intelligence and strength. Her encouragement when the chips are down. How she smiles with energy. Her humor. Silence with her eyes closed leading me home. The feeling of her slightest breath against my skin. Her beauty.
What is one supposed to do? Found her smiling, eager to spend more time with you. Everyday riding your motorcycle, nine months together swiftly passes by. You do it wrong. Time and responsibilities force you to leave. She stopped smiling. Was it because you approached her, or because you chose to leave? You won’t know that answer.
Without saying it face to face, you would soon return. At 16, she is too young, messages written in code encouraging her not to quit on you leaves you in limbo. On with her life she goes, yet not once did thoughts of her leave your mind. Still wanting to find her, you move on, plotting the course of a new life to intersect with hers. Obstacles soon force you off course far greater than yourself beyond your control. Sometimes six months at a time, you’re taken away farther from her. No matter what is, failing to navigate close enough showing how serious you’ve become disrupts the efforts. Months go by, years pass by no closer have you become.
Silence. For almost a year her silence is deafening. What motivates is loud and clear, the experiences of her, images play and replay reminding how good her presence is, leaving you to want more. Instantly, naming off a hundred details why you love her. Her eyes, her laughter, tears of joy and sorrow, intelligence, boundless energy, radiating attractiveness…
Memories are all you have…you drive on.
Yet to be married…she pushes you further. No matter how many storms on the horizon…
Still on course.
Even if alone, I move forward.
What would you do?
Bear with me, there is a point somewhere in this post. Rarely do I play a musician’s videos twice in a row. For some reason, Jay Z‘s video “Young forever” has me thinking about growing old and dreams. Because I’m right in the middle of being young and being an older generation, go with me on this.
What do you expect out of people? They could be family, friends or people you’ve never met before. Respect comes to mind, respect for people’s boundaries, privacy, property, feelings, their past and most importantly, their dreams. No matter if you are young or old, they both demand respect from each other. Those who have walked their own path’s much longer, demand respect. Meanwhile, younger generations feel there will be no time for tomorrow may not come; their dreams are just as important.
To read more, go to this link: Forever Young.
Fuck time. I’m still going for what I wanted years ago. There is no doubt in my mind I will win it.
Forever young.
I can’t do the talk. I can’t do a love song like the way it was meant to be. I can’t do everything but I’ll do anything for you. All I do is miss you and the way we used to be. All I do is kiss you through the bars of a rhyme. (Dire Straits)
Jojo was a good strong woman then, she’s only better now. Only once did I watch her cry. Then a second time. A third time too many. The first was not because of me. The others were. I just don’t understand why. Was it when I approached her? Did I do it wrong or was I wrong? Where did I fuck it all up? We didn’t have an argument or yell at each other. It was time pulling us apart from each other. To the point we didn’t say a word.
This is the way I understand things. Just tell me I’m not off in my own mind creating this sense of drive for each other. I felt it. I felt all of it and more and wanted more of it.
On the final night I spent all night writing my last words to Jojo. I left her behind a message telling her not to give up on me. What I couldn’t say to her face, I was forced to write in that letter. It was everything I simply couldn’t say. Telling her that no matter how long it takes to not once ever quit. As I wrote that note, I saw that approaching storm on the damned horizon. I was fucked from the beginning. No matter what happened, I wanted her to know that I had to leave. When I did, when the timing was better, I would find her again. What I could not tell her was how I had to first end the failed marriage I had with her good friend. Little Man’s mother. At no time did Jojo ask me to do anything like that. It was me. All me. At the time of that note, I made my choice to find Jojo again. The pursuit just wasn’t the right time.
The pursuit for Jojo continued through emails after emails month after month. It appeared after each email, I only got worse. Then it became a year, and another year. Jail, hospital after another, six months here, a few there. Before I knew it six, seven and now eight years have passed me by. My son grew older, so did Jojo and myself. However we all grew years apart. The two most important things in my life could not be brought together with me.
After experiencing Jojo the way I did, I wanted to give the same thing back to her. I wanted and still want to share things with her where life is mutual. Where we both give and take from each other without saying a word.
How is one supposed to get a woman like this out of your mind. It’s impossible to walk away from Jojo. Let it go and move on in your life. You are 14 years older than her, she’s too young. Going after her will take you backwards. That’s what they all say. All I can do is raise my hand and flip the finger.
Simple, complex and unique. Attractive. Intelligent. Silent, fragile yet strong. Mysterious. Independent. The smell of spring. Touch and feel of softness. Sight of something new. Yearned for when alone. 
Bright when the world is dark. Warmth when cold, close when afar. Reappears in dreams. Dancing, gracefully balanced, peace of mind. Alive day or night. Without a word, the very sound leading home. Enduringly beautiful. She’s the reason I wake.
Silence does nothing but drive and motivate me. Searching day and night for a response. A sign.
Away too long, know me no more, or what I’ve become. Writing is all I have, with no response.
Only meant to find Little Man and myself. Wanting to be with you. To give you a reason to wait for me.
Look what I’ve overcome. After eight years endured much you don’t understand. The experience changed me, yet I’m the same man you met. Different yet better. Stronger today than when we were together. Fail to communicate. My actions and behavior speaks for itself.
Proven to be a good father to my son. I’ve recovered and created a new life. My son returns to me. The boy you care for. What do you want? Little man is back. Everything except you.
All I’m asking is to start from new.
Give me a chance to show what I’ve become. A reason to try again, new beginning is all I have.
How is she doing this to me? How have I come this far, after eight whole years and still have such a strong desire for her? Doesn’t she understand what I was up against? I only chose to walk away with one intent. To find her again.
I cannot help myself. Stuck over this woman, I‘m left confused. She may never had wanted me. I’m left with memories she wanted me. On that Harley together, we rode alone for so many miles. I came to know everything about her left to want her. It felt mutual. I felt her want me. Where have I gone wrong?
A warrior in time of war, I was about to walk away from my men who would return to battle without me. They were my son’s and brothers. To not join them made me worthless.Then, Jojo had me captivated. 
However, she was too young. I couldn’t put this gorgeous woman in a position I would disrupt her life. On course for greatness, had I stayed with Jojo, I would have held her back. I had to give it time. Get my life in order again. Gone too many times had torn apart my life. Everything I had built with blood, sweat and tears was coming apart. The consequences of my travels and choices returned to haunt me. Deep within my mind was an approaching emotional storm that would nearly destroy me.
Pushed and pulled in so many directions, life as I knew it fell apart. Can’t you see I nearly lost my mind?
A mere kid at that time needing to be a man forced to make choices I didn’t want. Faced far worse in battle, now with life back home in peace, I was torn. At that time, I was not a man, instead a mere boy. I had to leave to find myself. Only then would I be able to search for Jojo.
Hoping I was giving her a reason to not quit on me. Her eyes. Looked at her lips and wanted to move closer to her, I wanted to bring her near me leaning forward to embrace her kissing her for the first time. Giving her the reason to wait for me.
After eight years of conflict away from Jojo, the time has come. Must find her again, everyday she tears at me never leaving my mind, memories and thoughts. Day or night, throughout my journey she remains. It’s not working. My efforts fail. She refuses to respond. She’s gone.
