Jojo, you are on my mind
Beauty is the quality present in a thing or person giving intense pleasure or deep satisfaction to the mind, whether arising from sensory manifestations (as shape, color, sound, etc.), a meaningful design or pattern. Beauty’s definition can apply to art or most associated with a woman even life. What is beautiful to one person is not to the other.
The sweet smell of her perfume. Her neckline leading to her shoulders, her profile or the way she carries herself. Her femininity. Her eyes, their color, shape. How she cares for the details watching her carefully address her eye lashes and brows. How she takes forever to apply her make up every morning. The way she bends her hands at her wrist. When she admires her own jewelry, a purse, hat or the most favorite to women of all ages, their shoes. Her laughter when it may not have been funny. Her love of gossip, the taste of a dessert, skinny jeans and short shorts to surprise flowers making her friends jealous. Two hour hair cuts. Failure to understand or her love of sports. How she loves romantic films, a love story, song or dramatic TV even plays at the local theater. Wearing glasses from time to time. to her spring dress and how her long legs look amazing every time.
Her character and the rare things that upset her. How success motivate her efforts. School work, house work, on the job, in the yard even rubbing elbows with the best. Her love of Ford Mustangs and motorcycles. How she dresses for our rides on the Harley. Her courage for learning how to ride the Harley and her radiating spirit of freedom. Steadfast strength in times of adversity, yet her vulnerability. Love of family and adoration of friends. Her ankles and painted toes. The color and vitality of her skin. What she hides to later be discovered unexpectedly. The ring I want on her finger. Long phone calls, texts, blood-red painted finger nails, lipstick and a glass of wine. Her secret love and obsession for chocolate. How she brushes her hair back over her ears whether to catch my attention or to see what is in front of her. How she holds a baby on her hip just right yet manages life all around her. Despite a million responsibilities, she still manages to paint the walls in renovation of the house. Her firmness and strength defending the family.
Her taste of food and amazing ability to make anything you can imagine. Or how she makes the simplest food seem like gourmet. A night on the town, a restaurant, or together at home on the couch. Her ability to speak the language and listen to adolescents and the smallest child to the baby. The mother in her. Loyalty, patience and endurance. Her tears when she silently wants to cry. The lover in her and making love as good as the first time. Her patience, intelligence and strength. Her encouragement when the chips are down. How she smiles with energy. Her humor. Silence with her eyes closed leading me home. The feeling of her slightest breath against my skin. Her beauty.
What is one supposed to do? Found her smiling, eager to spend more time with you. Everyday riding your motorcycle, nine months together swiftly passes by. You do it wrong. Time and responsibilities force you to leave. She stopped smiling. Was it because you approached her, or because you chose to leave? You won’t know that answer.
Without saying it face to face, you would soon return. At 16, she is too young, messages written in code encouraging her not to quit on you leaves you in limbo. On with her life she goes, yet not once did thoughts of her leave your mind. Still wanting to find her, you move on, plotting the course of a new life to intersect with hers. Obstacles soon force you off course far greater than yourself beyond your control. Sometimes six months at a time, you’re taken away farther from her. No matter what is, failing to navigate close enough showing how serious you’ve become disrupts the efforts. Months go by, years pass by no closer have you become.
Silence. For almost a year her silence is deafening. What motivates is loud and clear, the experiences of her, images play and replay reminding how good her presence is, leaving you to want more. Instantly, naming off a hundred details why you love her. Her eyes, her laughter, tears of joy and sorrow, intelligence, boundless energy, radiating attractiveness…
Memories are all you have…you drive on.
Yet to be married…she pushes you further. No matter how many storms on the horizon, still on course.
Even if alone, I move forward.
What would you do?
Growing old without Jojo and Little Man is disturbing. Time doesn’t seem the same and life isn’t the best without them. The sun does not set or rise. What was beautiful before is a passing thought today. What I valued before has little to no meaning. Without them, the day doesn’t arrive new and the night doesn’t come soon enough. Watching how fast these past eight years have passed concerns me. Why do lessons learned have to be so costly? Are all these challenges meant for a purpose where so many losses and failures happen for a reason? I ask these questions because from the very start, when forced to make a choice eight years ago, I chose to pursue a good life with Little Man and Jojo, finally new warrior responsibilities. After all that I failed at, I’ve come to believe that the unhealthy thinking I may have been pursuing the next warrior life. Fact is how I couldn’t have all three. Little Man, Jojo and that life.
Today, I seriously look at life different, but I don’t. To read more, please click this link: Spitting Teeth
I did everything I could to sleep with her.
She looked over the records where her notes collected over time from our weekly meetings. Dark brunette cut shoulder length, glasses, with tattoos hidden under her blouse. The artwork spread all over her shoulders, and down her back wrapped around her thin frame. She was strong-willed with a mind like a steel trap. It was the details she craved. With severe back problems from childhood, she pushed through her hidden pain. Every month she took injections to cut the pain, only once a month would she be forced to rely on a cane. Younger than myself, I could never understand how something so irritating could happen so soon to a woman.
Posted on the walls behind her were diplomas for a Bachelors and Masters degree in social work and medical policy, a Molly Pitcher award for leading military wives at Ft. Bliss, Texas. It wasn’t only how cute she was; some of it was her intelligence, most of it was how she rebelled against the mainstream. She was a pistol, and no one fucked with her. Being the lowest pay grade on the scale, she didn’t have high-profile responsibilities.
To read more, click on this link….The Only Exception.
For her, here is Paramore’s “The only exception.” Enjoy.
Bear with me, there is a point somewhere in this post. Rarely do I play a musician’s videos twice in a row. For some reason, Jay Z‘s video “Young forever” has me thinking about growing old and dreams. Because I’m right in the middle of being young and being an older generation, go with me on this.
What do you expect out of people? They could be family, friends or people you’ve never met before. Respect comes to mind, respect for people’s boundaries, privacy, property, feelings, their past and most importantly, their dreams. No matter if you are young or old, they both demand respect from each other. Those who have walked their own path’s much longer, demand respect. Meanwhile, younger generations feel there will be no time for tomorrow may not come; their dreams are just as important.
To read more, go to this link: Forever Young.
Fuck time. I’m still going for what I wanted years ago. There is no doubt in my mind I will win it.
How is one supposed to get a woman like this out of your mind. It’s impossible to walk away from Jojo. Let it go and move on in your life. You are 14 years older than her, she’s too young. Going after her will take you backwards. That’s what they all say. All I can do is raise my hand and flip the finger.
In time, my search and hunt for Jojo may come to an end. What I must do is take care of myself. Next to Jojo, the bike was that source of peace of mind. Parked to sit alone, the bike is alive no matter day or night. Waiting and ridden full throttle cruising and relaxed. The hum of the engine sets the tone and pattern of the moment. A continuous rhythm felt throughout your entire body. Putting one at ease.
It’s time to find my bike again. Sold eight years ago soon after the last ride with Jojo, I’m now feeling the bike call me. Brilliant black with shiny silver like chrome threaded throughout the bike, once in my possession I’m ready. Until my son grows enough released and moved out on his own, on my motorcycle I take a journey or ride of my own. It’s here that I’m ready and willing to ride across the entire country. The bike leading me back to this woman until one day I return to my final home.
I have many passions in my life. My family is one of them. Specifically, my role as being a Dad. What I’ve created and raised. It’s who my son is, what he means and what he has become and will become. He carries my name and the legacy that will be passed on to his own children sharing within the communities they will live and grow with. I see my son from the past, through today and imagine where he will lead to in the future. All the damned potential he possesses, he has so much to give to this world. I want to give him the best tools to prepare him for the best opportunities where he will get the most out of life giving back to this world. I enjoy every day I spend with him, every conversation I’m aware of what I say to him. Our relationship is of most importance to me, perhaps because I didn’t share the same relationship with my own father. Being a Dad is my priority. Being a warrior and leader of warriors even suppporting the warrior life comes next. In the meantime, I’m in pursuit of what I’m passionate about. What I don’t have. I’m pursuing another ride (motorcycle) and a woman. A symbol of what is beautiful, this woman is called Jojo. She is not less of a priority, she is just not in my life right now. I want her to be. At one point I had her in my life but I was forced to walk away from her. Before I left I tried everything I could to show her how important she was to me. I tried to show her how much I wanted her and failed. My efforts blew up in my face where I lost her.
At some point, before I left her, I made a choice. No one else did. I did myself. That I would find Jojo again with the hope to start a new life with her. Now, I’m starting to think I was wrong. You cannot force someone to love you or be with you. The only thing I was going off of was all the time Jojo and I had spent together. I felt her desire to want to be with me. I too felt that way towards her. Everyday was a new adventure with Jojo. She showed me things I had never seen before making me look at life differently. She came into my life at a time of great conflict. She became my source of relief. All of those reasons are simply the start. What Jojo represents is beauty. Her personality. How she raised herself. How good of a person she was, is and has become. How she cared for my only son as if he was her own. She allowed me to focus and be at ease. Her humor, sharing conversation with Jojo, having fun with her is easy. She’s exciting always wanting to ride the motorcycle and explore. No matter how long we rode together, she never grew tired or felt like not riding. She wanted to ride just as much as I did. The roads were never long enough with Jojo. The days and nights were never long enough to allow us to travel as much as we wanted to. Was all this a mere snap shot of experiences that will never occur again? Were we filled with so much energy and drive only because I was on my way out forced to move away from Jojo being the last remaining member of our family to interact with Jojo? Did we spend all that time together because I was on the verge of leaving? Or, did we unlock something with each other unexpectedly where we both enjoyed sharing our time together wanting it everyday? That is what I’ve come to understand it all as. It was all an accident.
When our time together was happening, I knew it was too good to be true. Everyday felt different and so new. The things I saw were brighter more amplified with Jojo. I felt like I was raised to another level of being, living another life. I was elevated to another level with her. The shriek of her voice of excitement and endless drive and energy motivated me. She was something of so much possibility, I could see her in no one else. What was positive before I met Jojo was no longer. The world appeared different after Jojo. I knew when we were together it would not last forever. I simply thought there would be a gap in time where one day we would meet again and continue on a journey together experiencing the world and life together. I thought she enjoyed sharing time with me. I know I did with Jojo.
On top of it all, Jojo was simply beautiful. She was and still is the full package. Beauty, brains, humor, outgoing, caring, athletic, energetic, clean, responsible, independent. I could go on. That is what she left me to remember. She was a source of so much possibility. Being with her was an experience. When I wasn’t with her, I craved her. When I was with her, I couldn’t get enough out of life. When Jojo was near me the world sounded different, felt more intense, smelled sharper, tasted bolder looked simply amazing. Jojo came from a life where she raised herself after being disrespected by those she loved.
The situation between us is so complex, not simple tearing at me. We met as neighbors when she was very young. She became a part of our family where we watched her grow. Jojo matured when I was gone to war. I became introduced to Jojo after she became a new woman I had never seen before. Again, her arrival was like a gift, a surprise, unexpected. The new Jojo is who I came to learn and spend six months with. That Jojo was the one I rode my motorcycle with taking a journey I cannot forget.
In the end, Jojo left me. Or, I left her. I don’t know how it ended. Either I made a terrible mistake trying to get intimate with her, or I made a mistake in my effort and did it wrong shutting her off. It was wrong and didn’t work right. I failed. Regardless, to me, we were not supposed to be apart from each other forever. Deep within I believed we were meant to to meet again. At the time we spent with each other, I wasn’t good enough for her. Before I could share anymore with Jojo, even entertain going further with Jojo, I had to learn what it meant to become a man. That is why I left. I was a Dad to my son and had responsiblities. First, I had to be with him. Next, I had to change my entire life. What I was doing was wrong. There was so much wrong with me, I had to leave Jojo and discard what no longer worked. I had to redefine myself.
Tell me I did everything right with Jojo. Prove to me how I made the right decisions and choices. Tell me I’ve been a good man representing to my son how to be a good man. Tell me I shared with Jojo something to come back to, something to be passionate about.
What is passion? What creates such passion in people? It doesn’t matter whether it be artwork, writing, photography, a woman, a bike, even a sport or warfare, passion is displayed and generated in different ways for different people.
Passion is any powerful or compelling emotion or feeling, as love or hate. Passion is a strong amorous feeling or desire; love; ardor. Passion is a strong and barely controllable emotion. A state or outburst of such emotion. Passion is also a strong sexual desire; lust. An instance or experience of strong love or a person toward whom one feels strong sexual desire. An intense, driving, or overpowering feeling or emotion; especially : any violent or intense emotion that prevents reflection. Only once found, in Acts 1:3, meaning suffering, referring to the sufferings of our Lord.
Passion is a powerfully intense feeling one gets after experiencing someone or something they are attracted to. Passion is that desire to want it again, to re-experience the event or individual. At times, passion can become blinding impacting one’s thoughts and behaviors. Love and passion are said to be intertwined said to be a chemical response. Passion is perhaps taking love to another level where most would say responses become inappropriate. How does one stop passion? Why would you want to stop passion? How do you control passion? Isn’t that the purpose or intent, to release passion and hold on for the ride?
How do you find passion? Ask yourself the following questions. What puts a smile on your face? What do you find easy? What sparks your creativity? What do you enjoy doing for free? What do you like to talk about? What makes you unafraid of failure? What would you regret not having tried? http://www.ineedmotivation.com/blog/2008/04/7-questions-to-finding-your-true-passion/
What if you are simply drawn to someone or something or you see something no one else does? Why is it that artists see their passion when they are making or creating, but no one understands their passion until after the artist dies passing away? The artist usually saw their passion the moment they put pen to paper, painted a picture, created a movie even wrote a song. Passion is what drove that person. Passion made that person wake in the morning inspiring them throughout their days leading them to sleep throughout their dreams to once again wake restarting the cycle all over again.
People should be grateful for passion. Passion has brought much good to this world. Passion is how we analyze the world, a snap picture of the intensity of something powerfully beautiful that continues to give back radiating some sort of attraction. You just can’t take your eyes off of it, stop listening, tasting, touching even smelling it.
Passion makes one view life differently. Perhaps that is where I go wrong. How I view life. After nearly losing my life many times, I’ve come to take a view that you must live each day as if it is your last. Not take things for granted. I know what is beauty or beautiful. Yes, beauty is in the eyes of the beholder. Beauty is different to different people. When I come upon something of beauty, I believe I look at the full picture when I analyze art, people, events, motorcycles and food. I look at what it took to create that one thing. What kind of adversity did it go through, how simple is it, how useful, what does it give back or generate, how does it impact our world and make it better? That is how I analyze something passionate. It is my definition of what is beautiful in this world.
I could define many things beautiful that you won’t consider the same. We come from different places and have experienced different people, places and things. We’ve made different choices and were raised in different ways. We are all different. That is what makes art or things of beauty so valuable. They hold value to different people, but mostly, they leave a mark on our lives and the world we live in positively impacting all of us whether we like them or not.
I may be wrong, but I believe you must use each day as if it is your last. All for fear you may never have another day again. Yes, take care of what you have, but, use it. I’m the reason things are ruggedized. I drop, kick, slip and fall with things losing them or breaking what I use. It’s because I go a hundred miles an hour from one place or thing to the next. I’m trying to get the most out of my life. It started the moment I watched my good friend pass away at eight years old. His passing put the fear of God into me. He never had opportunities to experience all the things I did. Now, I look at my days as a vehicle taking me to wherever I want to go to see who I want to see, experience what I want go where I want to go and do what I want to do. I set goals and work tirelessly towards them not quitting until I achieve. Sometimes people say I become unreasonable going too far discarding what is most important or not accepting that things just aren’t meant to be. I don’t believe that. I believe when you set your mind to something, the pursuit will lead you to your goals, objectives even dreams. I’m after the pursuit. The journey. More than once I’ve felt the overwhelming feeling of accomplishment after overcoming adversity to reach a goal many times I thought was impossible. The experience becomes addicting.
I’m not certain if that addiction came after I nearly lost my life, or, I was born this way. I don’t care, it is who I am and how I operate. At the end of the day, I want only the best things in life. I have high standards in taste and set high standards and expectations in what I use, do and behave. I’m not the best. Perhaps that’s why I have such high standards, because I’m not the best. I want the best maybe knowing I’m lacking somewhere only compensating in the end. Again, I don’t care. I just go with it, let passion drive my behavior leading me through life. Maybe that is not the best way to lead a life. It has done me more good than bad. Nearly everything I’ve set my mind to I’ve accomplished. Yes, I have failed so so much. However, I’ve achieved a great deal. There is much I want to see and experience before my life is over. I have much work to do. What I hope is today, I’ll do my best and be my best. I want the best. I cannot help it. I’m simply passionate.
Little Man is the reason I exist. He is my only son. My only child. He is my family and my purpose. He is the reason I wake in the morning and what I think about when I lay down to rest. I’m concerned about little man and root for him in his endeavors. From the moment he was conceived until today, he has been special and unique. Thank God he is healthy growing up to become a remarkable young man. He is maturing fine at a rapid pace.
Little Man stands at about 5 feet 9 inches tall weighing in at 135lbs. He’s very athletic practicing hockey, golf and motorcross. He’s played hockey since he was seven reaching a point he now wants to shift focus on motorcross. He’s broken his wrist twice in hockey. He’s smart, intelligent with an incredible sense of humor. He knows how to play team sports and work with a team. He’s a natural leader of others who doesn’t put up with bullies yet knows how to push those who lack motivation. He’s experienced as a captain and starting center of his hockey team. He has played football, lacrosse, basketball, baseball, hockey, golf and motocross. He has many talents and is skilled in many ways. He knows and loves to hunt and fish. He has endurance and runs well. He has natural strength where he is lean and will be challenged to grow in size. He must never forget his strengths are his endurance and stamina.
Little man works hard. He gets frustrated, enlightened, motivated and turned off. He’s easily set off to pursue something new and challenging. He loves to practice and is disciplined working very hard at everything he does. He works hard and plays hard. Again, he has a funny sense of humor. He can take things serious one moment and shift to lighten the mood.
Little man loves motorcycles. He enjoys video games, movies and music. He likes old TV shows. He grew up watching A full house. He can play back verbatim funny lines from movies and commercials. Commercials are what he really enjoys. Little man enjoys watching sports especially hunting. He’s aware of what is current even enjoys history. He studies the things he enjoys. He gets it. He knows how to find something he likes. Research and study it. Find the right tools to accomplish it. Learn about it. Practice, practice, practice what he loves. Finally, go for what he loves. Be passionate about what he loves. That is what I believe my son has learned and tries to lead his life. You can see it in how he carries himself and handles situations. Even what he pursues.
Little Man does very well in academics and school. He’s been raised in a unique way where he lived a traditional life up to 13 years old. Afterwards, he’s gone to school over the Internet. Bypassing so much resistance from his family and friends, his grades and his hockey skills improved. We’ve reached a level where we will attempt another semester online so he can shift focus on motocross. The idea is to build his academics around his pursuits and what appears to be his passion. Little man knows what he wants and he’s going after it. That is all I ask of him. I ask that he search for that thing that wakes him in the morning and what carries with him to sleep following him into his dreams. It’s called passion. What drives oneself to pursue a life of their choosing. My son will become a success at whatever he sets his mind to.