Today, I seriously look at life different, but I don’t. Freedom and independence are valued more today than before. What hasn’t changed is my pursuit for Little Man and Jojo. Yes, I’ve said I will move forward letting go of Jojo. It’s just not working out that way. The memories of how good it was to experience Jojo far out weigh the risks of not finding her. Point is I’m working on letting her go; I just can’t right now.
From the decision point eight years ago, from the moment I chose to pursue a new life with both, not one single day has passed that I haven’t tried to create that life. Not one day, one hour or a minute. My problem is how we were all in three different locations. If I made my way towards Little Man, I was farther from Jojo. If I went to Jojo, Little Man was gone. Reaching levels where I was left alone flapping in the wind struggling merely to live a basic decent life. After leaving the military, life for me became as if I was torn in four directions, one as a Dad, the other a warrior, another as a lover and finally, a man. I sacrificed everything I was in a good man to make it work. To the point, I nearly completely lost my mind. No matter, how many times I’ve been kicked in the teeth, whether by my choices or by things beyond my control, I spit out the resistance and simply took new directions for the same goals. What didn’t work the last time, I tried in different ways. When those failed, I went other ways.
One very, very important thing I discarded along the way, was living by the warrior code I valued and respected. I’ve come to understand is how this loss of Jojo and Little Man is why I chose instead to push myself so hard into pursuing the next mission in my life. Meaning, the second life as a warrior. Leaving the military had only been meant to get them back. When I didn’t get them, I did everything to return to war. To me, if I could not have them, then the next-best thing to do with my life was to go forward again and do something positive with all the rage and resentment I carried. To me, it made sense to unleash all the negative energy I harbored towards what was the worst source of evil in this world (Al Qaeda). So blinded by selfishness, I totally overlooked everything I was taught. Precisely, what true warriors do NOT do. That would have meant I would have been no different than pure evil. If you are a true warrior, you go into battle with a peaceful mind. This way, you will know evil when you see it, not become evil. To me, I totally missed this. What made this so difficult to see was how my friends and teammates were still fighting, and they too had children. Being one of their leaders, why couldn’t I return to battle? The consequences of my choices became how everything I had fought for in this world I loved quickly fell apart for me. No wonder so many friends and family have faded away.
What they don’t understand is how important these two people are. If you haven’t gotten the point yet, all I care about is having Little Man and Jojo in my life. Without them, I’ve proven to become nearly…unrecognizable. No one comprehends the impact they have on me. Without them, I am nothing significant. In my eyes, they give me a good life worth pursuing and living well. Since I left Jojo and lost Little Man, I’ve come to understand how without them both in my life, I go to extremes. Dangerous places and levels of thought only harmful to all those around me. To the point, I actually compromised everything I valued.
On a strong note, to end this post in a positive manner…. Little man is returning next week to live with me again. It took eight years, but, every bit of it was worth the wait.