I have many passions in my life. My family is one of them. Specifically, my role as being a Dad. What I’ve created and raised. It’s who my son is, what he means and what he has become and will become. He carries my name and the legacy that will be passed on to his own children sharing within the communities they will live and grow with. I see my son from the past, through today and imagine where he will lead to in the future. All the damned potential he possesses, he has so much to give to this world. I want to give him the best tools to prepare him for the best opportunities where he will get the most out of life giving back to this world. I enjoy every day I spend with him, every conversation I’m aware of what I say to him. Our relationship is of most importance to me, perhaps because I didn’t share the same relationship with my own father. Being a Dad is my priority. Being a warrior and leader of warriors even suppporting the warrior life comes next. In the meantime, I’m in pursuit of what I’m passionate about. What I don’t have. I’m pursuing another ride (motorcycle) and a woman. A symbol of what is beautiful, this woman is called Jojo. She is not less of a priority, she is just not in my life right now. I want her to be. At one point I had her in my life but I was forced to walk away from her. Before I left I tried everything I could to show her how important she was to me. I tried to show her how much I wanted her and failed. My efforts blew up in my face where I lost her.
At some point, before I left her, I made a choice. No one else did. I did myself. That I would find Jojo again with the hope to start a new life with her. Now, I’m starting to think I was wrong. You cannot force someone to love you or be with you. The only thing I was going off of was all the time Jojo and I had spent together. I felt her desire to want to be with me. I too felt that way towards her. Everyday was a new adventure with Jojo. She showed me things I had never seen before making me look at life differently. She came into my life at a time of great conflict. She became my source of relief. All of those reasons are simply the start. What Jojo represents is beauty. Her personality. How she raised herself. How good of a person she was, is and has become. How she cared for my only son as if he was her own. She allowed me to focus and be at ease. Her humor, sharing conversation with Jojo, having fun with her is easy. She’s exciting always wanting to ride the motorcycle and explore. No matter how long we rode together, she never grew tired or felt like not riding. She wanted to ride just as much as I did. The roads were never long enough with Jojo. The days and nights were never long enough to allow us to travel as much as we wanted to. Was all this a mere snap shot of experiences that will never occur again? Were we filled with so much energy and drive only because I was on my way out forced to move away from Jojo being the last remaining member of our family to interact with Jojo? Did we spend all that time together because I was on the verge of leaving? Or, did we unlock something with each other unexpectedly where we both enjoyed sharing our time together wanting it everyday? That is what I’ve come to understand it all as. It was all an accident.
When our time together was happening, I knew it was too good to be true. Everyday felt different and so new. The things I saw were brighter more amplified with Jojo. I felt like I was raised to another level of being, living another life. I was elevated to another level with her. The shriek of her voice of excitement and endless drive and energy motivated me. She was something of so much possibility, I could see her in no one else. What was positive before I met Jojo was no longer. The world appeared different after Jojo. I knew when we were together it would not last forever. I simply thought there would be a gap in time where one day we would meet again and continue on a journey together experiencing the world and life together. I thought she enjoyed sharing time with me. I know I did with Jojo.
On top of it all, Jojo was simply beautiful. She was and still is the full package. Beauty, brains, humor, outgoing, caring, athletic, energetic, clean, responsible, independent. I could go on. That is what she left me to remember. She was a source of so much possibility. Being with her was an experience. When I wasn’t with her, I craved her. When I was with her, I couldn’t get enough out of life. When Jojo was near me the world sounded different, felt more intense, smelled sharper, tasted bolder looked simply amazing. Jojo came from a life where she raised herself after being disrespected by those she loved.
The situation between us is so complex, not simple tearing at me. We met as neighbors when she was very young. She became a part of our family where we watched her grow. Jojo matured when I was gone to war. I became introduced to Jojo after she became a new woman I had never seen before. Again, her arrival was like a gift, a surprise, unexpected. The new Jojo is who I came to learn and spend six months with. That Jojo was the one I rode my motorcycle with taking a journey I cannot forget.
In the end, Jojo left me. Or, I left her. I don’t know how it ended. Either I made a terrible mistake trying to get intimate with her, or I made a mistake in my effort and did it wrong shutting her off. It was wrong and didn’t work right. I failed. Regardless, to me, we were not supposed to be apart from each other forever. Deep within I believed we were meant to to meet again. At the time we spent with each other, I wasn’t good enough for her. Before I could share anymore with Jojo, even entertain going further with Jojo, I had to learn what it meant to become a man. That is why I left. I was a Dad to my son and had responsiblities. First, I had to be with him. Next, I had to change my entire life. What I was doing was wrong. There was so much wrong with me, I had to leave Jojo and discard what no longer worked. I had to redefine myself.
Tell me I did everything right with Jojo. Prove to me how I made the right decisions and choices. Tell me I’ve been a good man representing to my son how to be a good man. Tell me I shared with Jojo something to come back to, something to be passionate about.